Knee-Jerk
My response to my grade and comments where overall expected. I thought I had a good idea and organized the paper well but knew that there were things I could add more to, but did not really know what exactly to write. The idea to add more specific organizations seems to be what I was missing. Also, you pointed out that my factual paragraph was listy, and I will brainstorm on how to make it flow better.
Plan for Draft Two
My first paragraph I will only revise one sentence becuase the comment "good start" was written- and that was surprising because I struggle with strong introductions. The second paragraph can be fixed by taking out some words to make it less wordy and to clean up the meaning by rereading it and making more sense about what I am trying to convey. The thrid was a "good point"-so I'll leave that one alone. Forth needs a better word for obsession. Fith was the factual, listy paragraph. Need to add transitions. Sixth needs to be more specific about when the Bush Administration requested more funding for military use. Also, I'll take out a comma I threw in. Inflated is also a better word for unnessary, and budget better than bill. Again, in the last paragraph, abroad is better than foreign- add in a "would" and a "more" to make more sense of last sentence.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Passive/Active Voice
I looked for some things to change and I couldn't really find anything. I hope that is okay. I guess we will see when my paper is graded. Haha
-Emma Pickle-
-Emma Pickle-
Passive/Active Voice
I think I fixed some passive voice and made them more active...
Before:
Imagine what the United States government could do for the people with the money that they spend on weapons.
After:
Imagine what the United States government can do for the people with money spent on weapons.
Before:
A long needed national health plan could be introduced.
After:
A long needed national health plan can be introduced.
Before:
...people in the country could benefit from the u.s.
After:
...people in the country benefit from the u.s.
Before:
Imagine what the United States government could do for the people with the money that they spend on weapons.
After:
Imagine what the United States government can do for the people with money spent on weapons.
Before:
A long needed national health plan could be introduced.
After:
A long needed national health plan can be introduced.
Before:
...people in the country could benefit from the u.s.
After:
...people in the country benefit from the u.s.
Passive and Active Voice
Before:
These are words heard by many child slaves in America today.
After:
Many child slaves hear these words in America today.
These are words heard by many child slaves in America today.
After:
Many child slaves hear these words in America today.
Ok so i attempted to fix my passive sentences and make them active so here are the corrected ones :
Original: In our society today, gay marriage is considered an abomination; a sin against God, but for a gay couple to adopt a child would be down right insane.
Corrected: In our society, gay marriage is an abomination; a sin against God, but for a gay couple to adopt a child is down right insane.
Original: Many parents this day and age have become lazy in the aspects of raising their offspring.
Corrected: Many parents this day and age are lazy in the aspects of raising their offspring.
Original: Adding on to the lack of manners and social conduct is the fact that these kids have been taught what is “supposedly” socially wrong and volatile; including the act of being homosexual.
Corrected: Adding on to the lack of manners and social conduct is the fact that these kids are taught what is “supposedly” socially wrong and volatile; including the act of being homosexual.
Original: Studies have shown that most of the children raised by gay parents have been healthier and happier in both everyday and home life.
Corrected: Studies show that most of the children raised by gay parents have been healthier and happier in both everyday and home life.
Original: These children are heterosexuals and have not been affected by their parent situation.
Corrected: These children are heterosexuals having not been affected by their parent situation.
Hope i did it right thanks!
Original: In our society today, gay marriage is considered an abomination; a sin against God, but for a gay couple to adopt a child would be down right insane.
Corrected: In our society, gay marriage is an abomination; a sin against God, but for a gay couple to adopt a child is down right insane.
Original: Many parents this day and age have become lazy in the aspects of raising their offspring.
Corrected: Many parents this day and age are lazy in the aspects of raising their offspring.
Original: Adding on to the lack of manners and social conduct is the fact that these kids have been taught what is “supposedly” socially wrong and volatile; including the act of being homosexual.
Corrected: Adding on to the lack of manners and social conduct is the fact that these kids are taught what is “supposedly” socially wrong and volatile; including the act of being homosexual.
Original: Studies have shown that most of the children raised by gay parents have been healthier and happier in both everyday and home life.
Corrected: Studies show that most of the children raised by gay parents have been healthier and happier in both everyday and home life.
Original: These children are heterosexuals and have not been affected by their parent situation.
Corrected: These children are heterosexuals having not been affected by their parent situation.
Hope i did it right thanks!
Passive/Active
I could only find one!!
BEFORE
As strict as this may sound, it would be a good solution to the fatality rate for teen drivers.
AFTER
As strict as this may sound, it is a good solution to the fatality rate for teen drivers.
BEFORE
As strict as this may sound, it would be a good solution to the fatality rate for teen drivers.
AFTER
As strict as this may sound, it is a good solution to the fatality rate for teen drivers.
passive voice
before
Contraception is known for preventing pregnancies as well as sexually transmitted diseases. In spite of this, the Catholic population is warned against the use of contraception, even between married couples, since it is said to interfere with the plans God has chosen for the future.
after
Contraception prevents pregnancies as well as sexually transmitted diseases. In spite of this, the Catholic population warns against the use of contraception, even between married couples, since it interferes with the plans God has for the future.
before
Nevertheless, the Catholic Church seems to ignore the frightening reality of AIDS and how it is spread, which is mainly through unprotected sex.
after
Nevertheless, the Catholic Church seems to ignore the frightening reality of AIDS and how it is spread, mainly through unprotected sex.
Contraception is known for preventing pregnancies as well as sexually transmitted diseases. In spite of this, the Catholic population is warned against the use of contraception, even between married couples, since it is said to interfere with the plans God has chosen for the future.
after
Contraception prevents pregnancies as well as sexually transmitted diseases. In spite of this, the Catholic population warns against the use of contraception, even between married couples, since it interferes with the plans God has for the future.
before
Nevertheless, the Catholic Church seems to ignore the frightening reality of AIDS and how it is spread, which is mainly through unprotected sex.
after
Nevertheless, the Catholic Church seems to ignore the frightening reality of AIDS and how it is spread, mainly through unprotected sex.
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