I pulled up and parked in the small strip mall out back. Most folks park across the street in the large Kroger lot, but if you know about the back door into the building, the strip mall gets you inside faster, which is key in bad weather. There aren’t many spaces, and the Chinese delivery place always has a sign up in front claiming one for their own, but somehow against the odds, I always seem to find a spot. A quick check to make sure the car is locked and I’m on my way. I look at my watch and notice my timing seems perfect.
The back door is about a first-down away, and I’m moving with just as much purpose. Climbing the wooden stairs of the back patio, I ignore the three or four people out there chewing the fat and head straight for the door. A tug on a swiftly moving metal door puts me face to face with the rear doorman. Sometimes a nod and a wave is acceptable, but other times a full blown security screening takes place. I’m fairly certain it depends solely on his mood. I was entering Smith’s Olde Bar, a place for night time fun, food, and, most importantly, music.
2 comments:
I like how you start in an action, it drives me in immediately into an event and catches my attention. In the second sentence though, you use the rhethorical you or second person, reffering to the reader. I know it makes sense there, but I'm not sure if you can use it or not. The second sentence in the 2nd parragraph would go better with a coma after "fat".
The last 3 sentences are great, I can picture the scenario and relate to it even though I've never been to Smith's Olde Bar. As well, it gives the impression you are in a rush and are anxious to get there as soon as possible.
Make sure that you have a correct use of commas. 'Puts' probably needs a tense change. I like the step by step description of you getting into the place. This should be a good start.
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