It was a hot July 5, 2007 right after my birthday when the day came for what I have been waiting to do or several years. My Mom banged on my door, “Get up or you’re going to be late!” My eyes popped open to look at the blaring light reading 12:00 from my alarm clock. I rushed out of bed in pure excitement. My Mom drove me to Psycho Tattoo, the tattoo parlor that would make an imprint on my mind forever. The tattoo artist’s name was Rob. Rob had put tattoos on both of my parents and it meant a great deal for him to drill an image into me.
off. I hardly said anything to my Mom, but her being there was strength to me. I walked through the doors of this award- winning place to find the tattooed, tough- looking men. And the rowdiest of them all was the one that was going to tat me up. “Hey how’s it going?” asked Rob. I replied with a shaky, “I’m ready.” He showed me the intricate drawings first that reflected the new aspirations of me. Something was terribly wrong. I stared at the picture, absolutely scrutinizing it under my gaze. It had to be exactly what I wanted. It had to be love at first sight, yet it wasn’t. I couldn’t be rushed though Rob was a busy man; I had to take all the time in the world. I sorted through all the drawing and printouts I gave him. The tribal around the black widow was not fitting. Even though it was just decoration it had to fit. My eyes wandered to the other tribal drawings and I asked him to draw it with the spider. He obliged, and hurried like a bat out of hell to draw it. I like the finished drawing of it so much. “That look so good…”, I was hypnotized by the picture.
2 comments:
The first sentence seems fragmented, and it seems as if either a present or past tense needs to be established a little more clearly.
The first sentence, the word "hot" to describe the climate is a little general, maybe you could be more specific. I like the phrase "the tatto parlor that would make an imprint on my mind forever". I don't know if the tatto artist's name is as important or relevant, anyhow this is up to you. In the phrase "Rob had put tattos..." you could use another verb rather than put. In the second parragraph when you say you're nervous, describe what you were feeling rather than just saying you were nervous. Again, "award-winning place", you could go into more detail about how it looked or how you felt. The phrase "It couldn't be rushed though Rob was a busy man; I had to take all the time in the world" is a little confusing, you could maybe explain in more. In the part "He obliged", I don't know if that is the best word.
I like your chronological order, it makes a lot of sense and drives the reader in.
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